The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Metsas toimus suur jooming. Järgmisel päeval on kõigil pead haiged.
Ainult rebane oskas ennast hoida ning kõnnib mööda metsa ringi, kui
äkki kuuleb põõsast hunti oigamas:
"Oi, pea valutab."
Rebane astub ligi ja küsib:
"Noh, hunt pea valutab? Tead, mul on hea meetod, kuidas pea valust
lahti saada. Sa pead mõistatusi lahendama, siis lähevad mõtted mujale
ja peavalu kaob. Noh, kas proovime."
Hunt:
"Ma ei tea, ma ei oska."
Rebane:
"Ma ütlen sulle ette. Mis see on: "Kaks tera, kaks kera , auk keskelt
läbi?"
Hunt:
"See on perse."
Rebane:
"Ei ole ju, need on käärid."
Hunt:
"On vist jah."
Rebane:
"Noh,kas hakkas parem?"
Hunt:
"EI, ikka pea valutab."
Rebane:
"Proovime veel. Mis see on, Maja täis seemneid, uksi-aknaid ees ei
ole?"
Hunt:
"Perse."
Rebane:
"Ei ole ju, see on ju kurk."
Hunt:
"On vist jah."
Rebane:
"Noh,kas hakkas parem?"
Hunt:
"Hakkas nagu jah."
Ja ajabki hunt jalad alla ja läheb metsa vahele kooserdama. Kui äkki
kuuleb karu põõsast hädaldamas.
"OI, pea valutab."
"Noh, mesikäpp, lahenda mõistatusi, see aitab, mulle rebane õpetas."
"Ma olen karu, ma ei oska."
"Ma ütlen sulle ette, rebane õpetas. Mis see on, persetäis kurke, uksi
- aknaid ees ei ole?"
"See on ju mingi perse."
"Mina ütlesin ka, et see on perse, aga rebane ütles, et käärid."
Hunt helistab jänesele : "Jänes vää ? "
Jänes : "Jaaa" , hunt seepeale ütleb : "Nihhuijaaa "
Jänes saadab hundi kohe pikalt v**tu. Hunt paneb kohe toru ära.
Natukese aja pärast helistab uuesti " Jänes vää?"
Jänes seepeale "Jaaa", hunt ütleb uuesti "Nihhhhuiijaaaa"
Jänes läheb juba raisalt närvi ja saadab uuesti hundi pikalt"
Kohe heliseb uuesti telefon ja jänes võtab vihaselt vastu.
Hunt küsib : "Jänes vää? "
Jänes " Noh, tra mis tahad ? "
Hunt : "Kodus väää? "
Jänes : "Jaaaa"
Hunt vastu kohe kõvasti : "Nihhuijaaa"
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm ****ing right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have.. Oh, I feel so......" (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at abig, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.
Kolm nõida vahivad kolme Swatch kella. Milline nõid vahib millist kella?
Ja nüüd inglise keeles:
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?
* Teine harjutus, inglise keel edasijõudnutele:
Kolm transvestiidi nõida vahivad kolme nuppu Swatch kellal. Milline transvestiidi nõid vahib millist nuppu?
Ja nüüd inglise keeles:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?
* Kolmas ja viimane harjutus, täielikele proffidele:
Kolm Shveitsi transvestiidist nõida, kes soovivad ennast ümber lõigata, vahivad kolme nuppu Swatch kellal. Milline ümberlõikust ootav transvestiidi nõid vahib millist nuppu?
Ja nüüd see kõik inglise keeles:
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
Kolm nõida vahivad kolme Swatch kella. Milline nõid vahib millist kella?
Ja nüüd inglise keeles:
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?
* Teine harjutus, inglise keel edasijõudnutele:
Kolm transvestiidi nõida vahivad kolme nuppu Swatch kellal. Milline transvestiidi nõid vahib millist nuppu?
Ja nüüd inglise keeles:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?
* Kolmas ja viimane harjutus, täielikele proffidele:
Kolm Shveitsi transvestiidist nõida, kes soovivad ennast ümber lõigata, vahivad kolme nuppu Swatch kellal. Milline ümberlõikust ootav transvestiidi nõid vahib millist nuppu?
Ja nüüd see kõik inglise keeles:
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
"Schumacher pedaalis Benettoni taas esimeseks."
"Michael Schumacher asub tegelikult väga heal positioonil, kuigi on viimane."
"Kas mu silmad petavad või teeb Senna Lotus tõesti rikkis häält?"
"Nelson Piquet võib seal kiivri sees olla enesega rahul."
"Seis on täpselt samasugune kui eelmisel ringil, ainult mehed on vahetanud omavahel kohad."
"Ta ei suuda otsustada, kas kiivri klaas peab olema pooleldi kinni või pooleldi lahti."
"Arrows tuleb boksi. Mehaanikud ründavad autot."
"Ta kaotas mõlemad paremad esirattad."
"Nüüd on saapad teise Schumacheri jalas."
"Vahe on 10 sekundit ehk jämedalt öeldes 9,7 sekundit. "
"Ta on tänavune maailmameister ja seega tähelepanuväärne mees, sest igal aastal saab maailmameistriks tulla vaid üks sõitja."
"Mõlemad on parimad startijad, kuid Häkkinen on parimatest startijatest parem."
"Sel mehel on kogu tulevik seljataga."
"Kujutan ette, et tingimused kokpitis on ettekujutamatud."
"Kui auto ei seisa, siis ta sõidab."
"Pärast viit hooaega vormeliroolis on David Coulthard ikka neli aastat noorem kui Damond Hill."
"Viis esimest kohta kuuluvad viiele erinevale autole."
"Autoga pole midagi erilist lahti, ta lihtsalt põleb."
"See on Ralf Schumacher - loomulikult kahekordse maailmameistri Michael Schumacheri poeg."
"Siit tuleb Damond Hilli Williams, unikaalne auto, kui mitte arvestada talle järgnevat täpselt samasugust autot."
"McLareni piloodid on nii tulised, nagu oleks kaks praetud vähki hõbedased kuued selga tõmmanud."
"58 rinigist on sõidetud 26, mis tähendab, kui ma rängalt ei eksi, et läbitud on pool võistlusmaad."
"Eurooplased on selle ringrajaga suurepäraselt kohanenud - eriti Paul Radisich, uusmeremaallane."
"Mul pole vähimatki aimu, mis käsu meeskond Eddie Irvine'ile andis, kuid ta täidab seda erakordselt täpselt."
"Küsisin Barrichellolt eile, kuidas tal võib minna homme, mis täna on täna."
"Jean Alesi on neljandal ja viiendal kohal."
"Ja just see tõestab, kui vajalik on auto Vormel-1 võidusõidul."
"McLareni Achilleuse kand pole tegelikult kand, vaid käigukast."
"Lafitte on Suresile sama lähedal kui Sures Lafitte'ile."
"Nigel Mansell võtab asja rahulikult, vähendab kiirust.......ja sõidab ringirekordi."
"See on väga omapärane ringrada, sest tee ei tõuse ainult üles, vaid laskub ka alla."
"Schumacher pedaalis Benettoni taas esimeseks."
"Michael Schumacher asub tegelikult väga heal positioonil, kuigi on viimane."
"Kas mu silmad petavad või teeb Senna Lotus tõesti rikkis häält?"
"Nelson Piquet võib seal kiivri sees olla enesega rahul."
"Seis on täpselt samasugune kui eelmisel ringil, ainult mehed on vahetanud omavahel kohad."
"Ta ei suuda otsustada, kas kiivri klaas peab olema pooleldi kinni või pooleldi lahti."
"Arrows tuleb boksi. Mehaanikud ründavad autot."
"Ta kaotas mõlemad paremad esirattad."
"Nüüd on saapad teise Schumacheri jalas."
"Vahe on 10 sekundit ehk jämedalt öeldes 9,7 sekundit. "
"Ta on tänavune maailmameister ja seega tähelepanuväärne mees, sest igal aastal saab maailmameistriks tulla vaid üks sõitja."
"Mõlemad on parimad startijad, kuid Häkkinen on parimatest startijatest parem."
"Sel mehel on kogu tulevik seljataga."
"Kujutan ette, et tingimused kokpitis on ettekujutamatud."
"Kui auto ei seisa, siis ta sõidab."
"Pärast viit hooaega vormeliroolis on David Coulthard ikka neli aastat noorem kui Damond Hill."
"Viis esimest kohta kuuluvad viiele erinevale autole."
"Autoga pole midagi erilist lahti, ta lihtsalt põleb."
"See on Ralf Schumacher - loomulikult kahekordse maailmameistri Michael Schumacheri poeg."
"Siit tuleb Damond Hilli Williams, unikaalne auto, kui mitte arvestada talle järgnevat täpselt samasugust autot."
"McLareni piloodid on nii tulised, nagu oleks kaks praetud vähki hõbedased kuued selga tõmmanud."
"58 rinigist on sõidetud 26, mis tähendab, kui ma rängalt ei eksi, et läbitud on pool võistlusmaad."
"Eurooplased on selle ringrajaga suurepäraselt kohanenud - eriti Paul Radisich, uusmeremaallane."
"Mul pole vähimatki aimu, mis käsu meeskond Eddie Irvine'ile andis, kuid ta täidab seda erakordselt täpselt."
"Küsisin Barrichellolt eile, kuidas tal võib minna homme, mis täna on täna."
"Jean Alesi on neljandal ja viiendal kohal."
"Ja just see tõestab, kui vajalik on auto Vormel-1 võidusõidul."
"McLareni Achilleuse kand pole tegelikult kand, vaid käigukast."
"Lafitte on Suresile sama lähedal kui Sures Lafitte'ile."
"Nigel Mansell võtab asja rahulikult, vähendab kiirust.......ja sõidab ringirekordi."
"See on väga omapärane ringrada, sest tee ei tõuse ainult üles, vaid laskub ka alla."
